Depression, Anxiety and Dependence

There’s absolutely no logical reason for me to be depressed. I am no longer sucked completely dry by having forty hours of every week dictated by someone else. I have the gift of not having to work while I try to figure out the next thing. Instead, I am choosing to work part-time as an employee while I also work on starting a soon-to-be successful business of my own.

I work with horses. I (try to) grow pretty things. I help bring others into (musical) worship with the Lord. I am blessed by good friend, family and community relationships. I have an incredible husband who loves, supports and cheers me on in literally everything I do. I am debt-free and well on my way to having a fully-funded emergency fund (despite COVID-19!). I am pursued, delighted in and cherished by the Creator of all things.

So, yeah…again…there is absolutely no logical reason for me to be depressed.

And yet. I am depressed and have been for a while.

Here’s the thing, though.

Depression is not logical. It’s pervasive, seeping into life quietly like smoke coming through the bottom of a closed door. You’re unaware of it until you start coughing, choking even, and then you look up and realize the once bright, cheery and hopeful room you are standing in is now filled with dark, gloomy, suffocating smoke.

And for months now, this smoke has been permeating every aspect of my life, leaving me feeling lost, confused, stuck and unmotivated. There are many areas of my life I’d like to see improvements in and I care a lot about each of those areas. But it’s as if I don’t care enough to actually do anything to help them improve. I have the time and the ability to make those improvements. But I lack the purpose for doing them and that leads me to feeling unmotivated to actually do the work.

And, as if on cue, along comes another enemy to work against me in finding that motivation. It’s Depression’s best friend, Anxiety. And, let me tell you, she’s a pill.

Anxiety, Depression’s Best Friend

One can often find Depression and Anxiety walking hand-in-hand, as if they are two young girls whispering and giggling about their human subject as they head to their next class on how to debilitate that human’s progression in life. For me, Anxiety can be found screaming at me about all the things I’m not doing.

It’s as if just as I am coming up for air from Depression, Anxiety pushes me back under the water, where I feel the cold, heavy weight of Depression pressing against my body again. Panic sinks in because I can’t breathe and fear takes hold as I wonder if I’ll ever break free from this vicious cycle. All the while, Anxiety is reminding me that it’s my fault that all these areas of my life are not where I’d like them to be and sinking me further into the grips of Depression. As I struggle to find the motivation to do anything, Anxiety throws fuel on the fire by pointing all of the many things I’m failing to pursue.

Things like:

• I’m not writing.
• I’m not marketing.
• I’m not contacting my family…or friends.
• I’m not praying.
• I’m not working out.
• I’m not trusting or depending on the Lord.
• I’m not working my CASA case.
• I’m not going out to the barn.
• I’m not shooting photographs of anything.
• I’m not doing everything I possibly can to increase our income so that we can reach the financial goals and future dreams that my husband and I have.
• I take more than I give in every area of my life. My marriage. My friendships. My family. Our finances.

All of these (and more, at times) take their turn reminding me that I’m not doing enough. Sometimes one by one and, oftentimes, all together. As if they’re standing in a long line in front of me. Just as I hear the reproach of one, the next one steps up and takes the previous one’s place. And then, they don’t leave! They just congregate around me. Staring. Judging. And screaming at me about my lack.

I am left feeling not only depressed but disappointed in myself. It’s hard to breathe and I feel as if part of me has disappeared; slipped away somehow without me even realizing it was leaving.

Pray it Away

Some of the well-intended friends and family members in my life don’t understand depression or anxiety. They tell me to pray more and to trust God and believe that He is more than the depression. “Remember,” they say, “with Him, you can overcome anything.”

And…they’re not wrong.

I believe in the power of prayer and that God not only hears but answers every prayer offered to Him. I am convinced of His heart to hear His people and respond.

But, I can’t pray this away. It’s not quite that simple. Yes, I can (and should) pray. But I also have to trust and depend on the Lord to respond to that prayer as He sees fit. I trust Paul’s conviction that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Phil 4:13) And I am reminded that I am enough through scriptures like Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” God is not disappointed in me. Why should I be disappointed in myself?

Dependence

So, in this season of depression, I’ve been praying that the Lord increase my dependency on Him because I know I depend on myself way too much. My strength has been waning but His? His strength never grows weary and His promises never fail. Perhaps this depression will lead me to that dependency.

If I can depend on His strength, instead of my own, I know I will overcome not only this depression but, what I suspect to be the root of the depression: feeling lost, “stuck” and unsure of what it is He has called me to do. If I can focus on His voice and lean on His strength, I will rediscover myself in Him, take a breath and start putting one foot in front of the other toward a life of abundance again.