If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.
C.S. Lewis
I have a confession:
I don’t want to go back to work today.
Over the weekend, I attended the She Speaks Conference, a conference for communicators. It’s a weekend full of encouragement, equipping and edification from authors, speakers and communicators – primarily but not necessarily limited to women – from all over the world. This year’s conference had to move online due to COVID but I still found it to be wonderfully rewarding. Quenching a parched soul and reigniting my passion for communication.
But, as another Monday morning sun rises and kicks off the start of a new week, I find myself sinking back into a familiar feeling: dissatisfaction.
Real life is starting again and, truth be told, I am dissatisfied with my real life.
I’d rather keep working on what the Lord was working out in me this past weekend. I’d rather stay in the “bubble” of joy and excitement and energy that She Speaks creates (even in a virtual setting!). I’d rather continue connecting and conversing with other like-minded women in pursuit of our communicator callings.
But that is not real life.
Real life means getting back to the work of provision – the work that helps provide for my family, the work that helps provide for my passions even, including this calling to communicate – while making space for the work that satisfies. And I’d rather that be reversed. I’d rather the work that provides take a backseat to the work that satisfies.
Is it possible that the work of passion and the work of provision can exist in the same job? Absolutely. Is that what’s true for me right now? Not quite. It’s getting closer as I’m venturing into being my own boss but I still have to make more time and space for the work that provides than I’d prefer. And that makes me fearful because I don’t have a good track record of not allowing the provision work to dominate my life.
My tendency is to put all of my time, energy and focus into the work of provision because…well…we need it, right? So I’m fearful that even though my passion for being a communicator (often and consistently!) has been reignited, the flame isn’t strong enough to withstand the winds of the provision work. As it blows through my life, will it snuff out all the time and energy and “want to” for my passion work? Will the passion again be reduced to embers that only spark and glow from time-to-time instead of burning brightly every day?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for the provision work that I do. I get to help small businesses keep accurate records of their finances and find better ways to increase their profitability. And I get to do that on my own terms and in my own way, for the most part. It is gratifying and I do find enjoyment in it. It just gets more attention than I wish it did and I don’t trust myself to make the space for the passion work well.
The C.S. Lewis quote at the start of this post often comes to mind when I find myself pondering this “satisfaction” struggle. I know that nothing on this earth will ever truly satisfy my soul because I am not made for this world. None of us are. We were all created to live eternally with the Creator of all things in the kingdom of heaven. And, because we are not there, nothing here will feel complete, full and satisfying.
But I also believe it’s possible to experience abundant living in the midst of ordinary life and, for me, figuring out this balance of provision work and passion work is key to discovering that abundance.
So, as I start another Monday morning staring down a week that feels less than balanced and mustering the moxie to hit it head-on, I am praying for two things: grace and gratitude. Grace for myself as I start to make consistent time and space for the passion work and gratitude for the work of provision that makes it all possible.
I get it! I feel it! Love how you just put it out there and are real with the struggle!
As a fellow writer, I find myself asking God, “when will You begin to provide for me and my family with this gift You have given me so I can get out of the j.o.b. You have given me for current provision?”
And a few months ago, after I asked once again… I heard this “Is it enough to just write for Me – to use the gift I blessed you with to just write to Me?”
With tears, I said yes and then He reminded me that my purpose is to shine for Him where He planted me, and right now, I’m planted at a less than fulfilling j.o.b. where people need a little of His ‘Shine’ every single day.
So to answer your question (yep…never ask a writer for a short answer!)… I’m finding balance in 2 ways.
1) Every morning asking God, where and how do you want to equip me to shine for You today?
2) Blocking time to write like I would a doctor’s appointment…and sometimes that means I have to block the earliest appointment of the day…and sometimes it means I have to say no to a few ‘extracurricular’ things to keep my scheduled appointments.
Love this, Tami! Your ways of finding balance? GREAT ideas! And I resonate with the questions you’ve asked the Lord!